Welcome back to my reflections 🎉

This newsletter has three purposes:

1. A dedicated time for me to reflect ✏️.
2. An entry for conversation – if anything of what I write awakens something in you, I encourage you to reply 🙋‍♂️.
3. An insight into my thoughts regarding the topics I write about 💭.

If a person you know would benefit from what I write about, forward this newsletter to them! At the bottom, they'll find a link in case they want to subscribe, too.

In this very email, I write about living in a optimism-created dreamland, unleashing my potential through intuition, breaking behavioural patterns, the fear of being seen, high-fiving myself in the mirror, and the importance of social support.

I hope you enjoy!

One Year

In this special edition, I reflect on the last weeks but even more so on all of 2023. It took me several days to read through all my journal entries of last year, including notes from conversations with friends, coaches and therapists. There was a lot I could've written about... In the end, I managed to bring it down to the topics below, which, in retrospect, were the most meaningful ones.

There are fewer pictures than usual, so let me share my favourite sunrise now and my favourite sunset at the end 🤗

Living in a Dreamland

As long as I remember, I've seen myself as an optimist. In my mind's eye, I'd picture the best possible outcomes of situations and hover over obstacles with this lofty vision of mine.

It's served me well but it's time had come. The downside of my optimism was that I put high expectations on other people and didn't always truly see them for who they were. And the same goes for myself, too.

For example, I'd expect to be fine doing several back-to-back calls in the morning and then again in the afternoon. That was the optimistic view of it. Realistically, at the end of the day I felt wrecked and couldn't serve my last client as fully as I wished.

I don't want to give up my optimism. I do want to see myself and others for who we really are, though. It's a fine line. In the end, how can I know the future?

One of my new strategies has been to hope for the best AND ALSO think about what I'd do if that doesn't happen. Not necessarily go to the worst-case but to the grey zone between the two (which is the most likely outcome anyway).

I call my new approach proactive optimism. I'm still optimistic but also proactive in case the situation doesn't turn out optimally. When it comes to people, I apply the same. I hope optimistically but am aware and act from the awareness that I might be overestimating their abilities.

How to Unleash my Potential

This is very interesting... in a meditation, I asked "how can I unleash my potential?" what came up as an answer to was "stop doubting yourself". Okay, that makes sense - it's unlikely I'll do much if I doubt; because doubting means overthinking and overthinking means, at least at that moment, not doing anything productive.

I've been strengthening my intuition - as you may already know from previous reflections. The best way to do that, is to lean in to it, to trust it. In 2023, I've gone with my hunches much more often. I've reduced second-guessing and analysing alternative options. It's liberated me, especially in moments of low risk and many options (e.g. which of the 109 dishes to order at the Indian or which tea to choose at the supermarket).

I've also started doing Quantum Jumps, a type of visualisation. With them, I travel to a parallel universe, pose a question and, more often than not, receive an answer. The answers aren't always very clear but the practice helps me focus on being grounded, tapping into my intuition and connecting with my higher self.

Over the last year, this resource has helped me to heal, understand myself better, and make decisions. This, again helps me to not overthink and stop doubting myself.

Recently, I came across a post that assured me I'm on the right path:

I'll leave it at that. What do you think about it? Do you overthink and underfeel?

Breaking Patterns

There've been more things I've (partially) let go off in 2023. With many different modalities and most notably the book Becoming the One by Sheleana Aiyana, I've worked at breaking dysfunctional patterns.

This book in particular spoke to me to also learn from a woman's perspective. The title is not referring to what I thought it was (the perfect partner) but rather becoming the one who breaks dysfunctional family and cultural patterns, the one who breaks free from their past to be their true self.

A big pattern for me had to do with resentment. I wrote more about that in spring last year. This quote really drives the message home:

I've not given voice enough to what I wanted and paid for it by getting resentful and disconnected. In friendships, at work, and with family, I've noticed that I've been more able to do that now. It's more likely that I notice what I want and also speak it out. Same goes for things I don't want.

This noticing requires presence, which is a topic I discussed with Hasan Rafiq on More Life.

At some point in autumn 2023, I noticed that I wasn't very present most of the time. I talked to Hasan again and started practices like gratitude that helped me come back to the present. Then, late November and December I was sick. That also helped to come back to the present.

In a world full of distractions, being the one who's focused is a superpower but it also means one sticks out... which brings me to the next point:

Fear of Being Seen

Now that most of us rarely face life-threatening situations, many of our fears are social in nature. More precisely, many social fears come from the fear of being seen.

That could be being seen as smarter, less skilled, uncultured, naïve, weird, etc. Being connected socially is important for humans, so it's normal to fear being in the out-group, being different. At the same time, I believe what Mel Robbins said in the podcast episode with Steven Bartlett: each person shares the same purpose: being fully themselves.

To be fully myself, I have to face my fear of social rejection. I have to show my true self, which may be quite different from how others perceive me or want me to be. I also know that it's true that the most personal is most global; meaning that what many people think only they struggle with, is actually something widespread.

At Emerging Men, this comes up all the time. A man shows up vulnerably, sharing something he thinks is unique to him and half of the group nods their head and puts the hand on their hearts: I can relate. The exact situation may be different but what's going on mentally and emotionally is rarely unique.

This fear of being seen is a common companion but being aware of it already helps. It also helps that most people don't really care that much about what I do or don't do. And if they do care, do I have to care?

The more I respect and value myself, the easier it is to show myself and face these kinds of fears. High-fiving myself can help with that:

High-Five!

When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you look at? Do you search for pimples and grey hair? Are you checking if it's time to trim your beard again, or how dry your skin is? Or if you washed your face properly?

If so, you're actually looking at yourself to criticise yourself. How about you change that?

I've started to high-five myself and dance when I see myself in the mirror. That way, I celebrate seeing myself. T Harv Eker's voice is in my head when I see myself "high five!". I immediately smile, laugh, and feel better... and I can still check if I want to trim again.

If that would make you too self-conscious, you can decide to face that fear or perhaps just smile and wink at yourself 😉

For me, feeling good about myself is part of how I measure success. There is another factor for becoming successful that's often overlooked...

The Forgotten Factor

My thesis supervisor back in 2016, Nico van Yperen is a professor for sports and performance psychology. One of the studies he conducted wanted to find out what factors were most predictive for adolescent football players to get into the first league. It was a longitudinal study (meaning measurements over a prolonged period of time) assessing many different factors like strength, endurance, etc..

The results were surprising to some: it showed the importance of social support. When I taught Dare to Care at my alma mater, I received the feedback that the part on social support for excelling in life resonated the most.

Social support, can be divided into several types:

• Esteem: encouragement, cheering for someone
• Tangible: money, food, equipment, an introduction to the right person, a ride to uni/work/training...
• Informational: guidance, tips
• Emotional: a listening ear, empathy

A single person can represent support of several types at once. For my running, for example, I have Jesse who's given me encouragement for wanting to run an ultra, feedback on the training plan, and tips on recovery (esteem+information). I also have Nic who's cheered me on and driven me to a race (esteem+tangible). I also have David Goggins in my headphones, reminding me there's more strength in my body than I might think (informational/esteem). Recently, I met Alejandro, who's told me about Penyagolosa and encouraged me to sign up for the 60km trail race in April (informational+esteem).

When it comes to emotional support, I also have people I know I can go to.

Who are your supporters? Is there any specific area that you'd like more support in? If so, do you have a current supporter who could fill it? Or perhaps are you asked to share more openly about what you're going through and struggling with to attract that specific type of support?

We started with a sunrise, now that you've read through all my reflections, let's close with a sunset:

Made it!

And that's my reflection for 2023!

There are two things I'd like you to consider:

• Reflect on my reflections. I'd be happy to receive a reply from you.
• Forward this newsletter to a person you think would appreciate it.

Until next month,

Jorim